蔡太太來了～

最近偶爾會看日劇「齊藤太太來了」，戲中的「教育媽媽」們熱心參與幼稚園的大小事，甚至到介入的程度，以小孩為中心的生活方式讓自己也頗多感觸。安步剛出生的前三個月，除了第一個禮拜因黃膽的問題而暫時有兩天沒有餵母奶，其餘時間母子倆都沒有分開過，每三小時親餵的作息很難不以小孩的生理需求為中心，但也會讓精神頗為疲乏。曾經試著利用瑣碎的片刻寧靜做些研究工作，但通常都是腦袋好不容易暖身，準備開始運作時開始聽到微弱但堅定的wah聲。兩頭燒的狀況會讓自己非常的焦慮，暫時放下研究，專心去洗衣服，整理家務，洗菜切菜構思下一頓，想想下回安步醒來時可以跟他說些什麼或做些什麼互動時，反而會讓自己平靜，而且也蠻有成就感的。常常在搓揉衣服的當下，會想到「養小孩這件事」，其實不像升等加薪，是沒有什麼外在的單一標準能肯定一個家長有沒有把小孩帶好，就像我認為胎教不是有沒有做的問題，怎樣做都是胎教，不是有聽莫札特才叫胎教。當然，很多人會給予養育小孩這個過程各種各樣的建議，親人、朋友、路人、社會局、衛生局、連中華電信什麼網路色情守門都算在內。

要解答有沒有把小孩養好這個問題，恐怕要來自內在的，就是與小孩的關係吧。在2006年電影The Pursuit of Happyness，Will Smith飾演一個單親父親，在事業低潮時被房東趕出門，為了不讓五歲的小孩露宿街頭，每天趕下午五點的場，以求某個收容流浪人口的單位確保遮蔽風雨的床位。他是個好父親嗎？嗯，這個問題好難，好萊塢電影的happy end結尾（也就是天助自助者，然後忽視種族這個社會結構的問題）讓觀眾不難肯定這個父親的努力，跳過媒體批判的這個職業病，這個父親的角色倒是很激勵我心。

開始把安步送到day care之後，有朋友對我說「那妳應該開始爽了」，我只能笑笑的說，「是這樣嗎？」小孩還沒到separation anxiety的階段，倒是作母親的得先做心理建設。集奶時想他，洗他的小衣小襪也想他，吃飯時也想（常常會想說因為還在餵奶所以一定要吃均衡），下午時間差不多時我等不及的加入去接孩子放學家長的行列。我在家時常常是用跑步在做事的（閩南語：總來總去），因為，時間看起來很多，卻沒有一秒能浪費。最重要的是，我應該好好利用這段時間專注的寫我的書做我的研究，接他之後才能心無旁騖的與安步相處，但角色的轉換總是不像電源開關切換。我對全職母親有無限的尊敬與些許幻想，但現實的狀況還是在敦促我取捨、平衡、以爭取與安步相處的最大空間。

對了，關於爸爸上哪去了這件事，「齊藤太太來了」劇中沒有非主流的再現，但在日本社會中，是有一個由養兒育女的父親組成的組織叫做「育兒連」(Ikujiren)，參與的男性（多數位於東京）透過網路進行連結，主動申請育嬰假，甚至在2000年致函英國首相Blair，請他在自己的孩子誕生後申請育嬰假。

育兒的想像與實踐，是可以無限與多元的。

What does it take to...

What does it take to get Sebastian to laugh like this? It takes a while for an infant to be able to smile socially. Before reaching that stage, there are "buttons" we can push to get him to use those laugh muscles. Laughing surely is hard work.

(1) Tapping his hands like crazy while making high-pitched sounds
(2) Cheek-to-cheek kisses
(3) Burying my head in his chest
(4) Holding him up above my head
(5) Putting his hands together (which seems to amuse him once he discovered he's got two hands)
(6) Bombarding him with impossible human-made sounds
(7) Smiling and talking to him

He is one friendly and affectionate boy!

帶小花帽的安步很美麗

我爸爸與媽媽來看安步時，常常會唱歌給他聽，安步的表情通常都很專注，甚至會情感豐富的泛淚。我爸爸最近常唱耳熟能詳的「哥哥爸爸真偉大」，我聽到「為國去打仗」時，總是有些納悶，一直在想該怎麼給他平等的性別教育。目前想到的是，大概可以改改歌詞，像是「姊姊妹妹真偉大」「名譽照我家」「為人權去抗爭」「上街頭笑哈哈」「走吧走吧媽媽姊姊家事不用妳牽掛」…

某天我媽媽興沖沖的帶了頂桃色小帽來給安步，帽型非常好看，雖然有些大，兩耳處各有一朵花，我一看只覺得好笑，但還是馬上給他戴上了，平常關切性別議題的我竟有些放不下的說：「挖，有點像女生」，倒是我媽很鎮靜的回道：「妳想他是男生就是男生，妳想她是女生就是女生。何況桃色是中性色」。說的也是，我想起來滿街穿粉紅色襯衫的男生，還有韓劇裡常穿粉色調的男主角們。男生也可以很美麗！

What's in a name? Part I

安步為什麼叫安步？

給大家猜猜看好了：






（一）從成語「安步當車」而來，典故請看這，某種保有自我，不為權勢所誘之從容態度
（二）反映母親的嗜好：「安」室奈美惠＋濱崎「步」，中性名字　
（三）揉雜了母親的亞洲經驗，在中文世界可以通，聽起來好像也很日本（如作家安部公房）
（四）投射父母的期待：安穩的步行千里，體驗人間
（五）彰顯屬於自己的步調與節奏--如他來到這個世界的速度

Sebastian and Taipei 101

When Taipei 101 was built, I thought it was ugly. It was this phallic thing that ruined the relatively smooth, mountainous, and not-so-modern skyline of Taipei. I thought the building simply embodies the desire of trans/national capitalists and their unrealistic dream to make Taipei into a global city like New York, Tokyo or Hong Kong. Taipei is a city, but it's not and never will be like New York, Tokyo or Shanghai because of its scale and local conditions. And "not being able to be a global city" is not necessarily a bad thing.

When I was pregnant with Sebastian, Taipei 101 suddenly became closer to my everyday life. The summer was scorching and sunny almost everyday, which makes the landmark quite visible when I got around the city by cab. Da-wei and I made several trips to PageOne the bookstore to get pregnancy and child-rearing books. Whenever I went for my pre-natal checkup at Chungshan Hospital, I saw it at the end of the Xinyi Rd. One night a week for five weeks, I attended a pre-delivery class at Taishin Bank's building. Its restroom has an excellent and unobstructed view of Taipei 101. During my post-partum recovery at the hospital, my room had another excellent view of the building. In fact, I could see it when I lay on the bed.

I recorded the color of the building light every night. I carried Sebastian to the window to see it. Someday I'll take him to the building to check it out.

Goodbye, Senbei

再見　仙貝

剛懷安步的時候，害喜害得很嚴重，也很憂鬱。吃不下，吃了就吐也就算了，比較讓我眉頭長時間深鎖的是我那突飛猛進的嗅覺所造成的效應。一來自己無法煮飯，二來煮飯給我的人相當辛苦（感謝我的老母老父和大尾），冒著被我翻臉的風險。當時人在新加坡，隔壁煮飯飄來的泰國米香對我來說如同是治孫悟空的金箍咒，曾讓我跪倒在地對天求饒；原本愛吃日式料理的我，開始無法接受甜甜的醬油或味增味，米果、仙貝這類曾是不可或缺的零食竟讓我看到包裝就反胃。化妝品、乳液的香味讓我進入完全素顏的日子。自己買的肥皂太香可以拿回店裏換，但有好多個日子我是因為聞到隔壁鄰居清晨洗頭的洗髮精味道而醒來的。

懷孕中期回到台灣，每逢用餐時間常因巷弄裏飄來的煎炒炸味而鬱悶。原本就不吃雞排的我敬夜市而遠之。某次產檢等候時竟然有位產婦在我面前大啃雞排，就是那種會印出油漬的小紙袋裝的，讓我差點沒將眼珠子瞪翻。

一個大原則吧，也許是跟還在子宮裏的安步「協調」後的領悟，就是只吃「看得明白」、新鮮的食物，謝絕辛香料、加味、或加了什麼「秘密武器」的食品。我懷孕的時候沒有特別想吃什麼，但似乎碰到包裝過、加工過、「看不明白」的食品就特別存疑，甚至進到充滿這類產品的超商都會因為那種氣味而想趕快離開（真難想像以前曾經仰賴Seven解決中餐）。在沒有農地、食品全盤仰賴進口的新加坡時，特別想念台灣的蔬菜與水果，當然，現在台灣的蔬果市場也已深入全球化的過程，百分百的在地成了必須刻意強調的特色，但也不見得是品質的保證。

安步在毒奶事件爆發前就先教我重新審視「吃」這門學問，我相信當時只是個胚胎的他有他生存的智慧，可能也在無形中救了我。

Traveling Currents

Breastfeeding has been a funny and satisfying experience from day one. There was never any doubt that I would breastfeed when Sebastian was born. I only learned later that many women in Taiwan do not get enough encouragement and support from their extended family to help them persist with breastfeeding. I was lucky enough to have been under the care of a breastfeeding-friendly hospital during the postpartum one-month confinement (坐月子). My mother also helped too. But once I returned home, breastfeeding still takes ongoing effort.

So what kind of a breastfeeder is Sebastian? His latch won the praises of many nurses, but he is more like a marathon runner than a sprinter. He likes to feed in private by putting up his palm as if saying "no disturbance please." Yet once in that cozy space, he falls asleep easily. I would often remind him that's "it's not nap time" by tapping his hand or changing position.　寝る時間じゃないだからね！ Once he's done, he would spit out my nipple and slowly wave his hand as if saying, "you may go now."

And what kind of "milk supplier" am I? Though I wish I would have so much milk that I could jump over my own "milk rope" like Murakami Takashi's Hiropan, I am a slow producer. As Sebastian goes through various stages of growth spurts, I have had to play catch-up in expressing milk. ㄋㄟㄋㄟ共和國 has been a dependable forum for ideas and solace.

In any case, I feel proud that I could breastfeed. Whenever Sebastian's hands seem to feel cold, I know breastfeeding would warm him up. Who knows, maybe in the not-so-distant future both of us can jump over my ring of sweet milk.

Rhythm of Life

「寶寶好聰明，他會告訴你何時出來」

懷孕時我上了四個多月的孕婦瑜珈，從沒什麼肚子上到班上的最大週數，從懷孕前期的憂愁情緒上到後期的滿心期待，每個禮拜上Gemma老師的課，多半都會聽到上面這句話，另外，就是記得深呼吸這件事。隨著肚子越來越大而行動越來越緩慢，總覺得生產遙遙無期，卻沒想到，當安步來時，竟是如此迅速。

2008年八月的最後一天，我清晨七點開始陣痛，以前總擔心會不知道陣痛來的感覺，但那天很確定，搖搖身旁還在睡的大尾，我說「I think I'm getting the contractions」，他笑著說「很好」。我洗完澡後，就開始在媽媽手冊裏記錄起每次陣痛的起末時間和強度。整個早上，我就專心的做這麼一件事，大尾則是偶爾搬些食物出來提醒我要吃點、喝點，因為陣痛可以痛個一兩天的。接近中午時，我移師到客廳的La-Z-BOY躺椅上，那時約十分鐘陣痛一次，偶爾會有較強的陣痛，但大致上還在bearable 的範圍內。

13:10
我的羊水破了，我緊張的跪到地上，呼喊大尾叫計程車，我則是準備下樓，猛然陣痛來襲，天啊，這跟之前的強度大不相同，一股不可抗拒之力量將我向下拉，我冒著冷汗開始下樓，五層樓中間的兩次陣痛痛到大尾何時超過我都不太記得，只知道他在樓下鐵門外回頭跟我說車子來了。我步履闌珊的迎向刺眼的陽光，但陣痛來襲得又快又猛，我幾乎想坐在外面巷子的柏油路上了。小黃就在前方，但是我好像連兩步路都踏不出去。大尾讓小黃倒車入巷，將我押入後座，車內的冷氣讓我倒抽一口氣，車子開始動時，我歇斯底里的吼出陣痛，大尾問我要不要躺在他腿上，我無法說話，倒是聽到司機說「讓她靠你肩上，深呼吸！」

小黃司機一路上替我們趕路，到了中山醫院急診室出口還替我們提行李。星期天下午的急診室感覺很空，但護士將我安置在病床上時，值班醫師就從綠簾後鑽出，那時我已經覺得兩股間熱熱的好像有「東西」要往外衝，在護理人員不斷提醒我深呼吸時，我竟也清醒的回答了一些問題，「幾點破水？」「第一胎嗎？」「主治醫師？」「健保卡？」（該死的我竟將健保卡忘在家裡的桌上），我傻傻的問道：「可以打無痛嗎？」「不行耶，已經看到頭了喔～」我被推往電梯口，視線中有一位護理人員注視著我，我突然想起觀世音菩薩，接著又一陣陣痛來襲，兩腿間好像又有暖流釋出，被推進二樓的樂得兒產房後，我驚天動地的呼喊了一陣，然後，大尾不知道從哪冒出來的跟我說，＂You did it!＂

13:40
安步出生了。
寶寶真的很聰明，他自己挑時辰出來，他也很體貼，讓媽咪沒有痛太久。

You seem to know what I'm saying

我覺得你好像懂我說的話～

You seem to know Mommy has been reading Judy Linton's 百歲醫師. You seem to know Mommy has been talking to you about learning to fall asleep by yourself. The other night Daddy and Mommy tried the "5-10-15 method." We put you in your crib and left you crying for 5 minutes before picking you up. Then we left you crying for 10 minutes before picking you up. Then you fell asleep after crying for 12 minutes--three minutes before we planned to pick you up! 素晴らしい！

Last night, you were still awake when Mommy put you down in your crib. You fussed a little and gazed at Mommy in the dark with your big eyes. Mommy tucked you in, looked into your eyes briefly, and left the room. You tried to fall asleep by yourself that night without crying. And you did it! 本当に素晴らしい！